What do you do when you have:

 

1. Nothing to do.
2. A sharp knife.
3. A large lime.
4. A patient cat.
5. Too much tequila.
6. .... And it's football season?

Subject: Only in America..

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Top Ten Things Men Know About Women...

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The Story of Ralph and Edna ....

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When the Head Nurse went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. We have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

For the home handyman..
Where do you draw the line?

(Click on the image to read story)

Points on Living by - Swami Beyondananda,

 

1. Be a Fundamentalist -- make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laugh at least twice a day, and that will ensure regular hilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for entering - so you are already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the channel.

4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.

5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.*

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be no madness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere. YES!

7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is: there is no key to the Universe. The good news is: it has been left unlocked.

10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So we don't have to go through channels.

11. There are two kinds of mystics in the world, the optimystics and the pessimystics. Although pessimystics seem to be more in touch with "reality," optimystics are happier and live longer.

12. It's the pessimystics who've been crying, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The optimystics simply smile and say, "No. It only looks that way because we are ascending."

13. Of course, for those people who read the news -- not to mention those unfortunate enough to be in the news -- this has not been an easy year to offer an optimystic reframe to loads of pessimystic evidence.

14 There's an old saying, "It always seems darkest before it gets really dark," but we optimystics don't buy it. Call me a hopeless "hopium" addict, but I say it can't hurt to look on the bright side.

15. Sure, you can say we human beings have moved further down the path of self-destruction ... or you could say the earth is ridding itself of its most virulent parasite. You can deplore the increased war, disease and starvation, or you can go, "Hey, population control without birth control or abortion!" You can worry over America's turn toward totalitarianism or you can say, "Ah, simplicity! We've boiled the Bill of Rights down to just one: You have the right to remain silent."

16. Seriously, we do have a choice. One of my favorite stories recently is about a Native American grandfather talking to his young grandson. He tells the boy he has two wolves inside of him struggling with each other. The first is the wolf of peace, love and kindness. The other wolf is fear, greed and hatred. "Which wolf will win, grandfather?" asks the young boy. "Whichever one I feed," is the reply. Every day -- every moment -- we have the choice to feed the wolf of love or the wolf of fear.

17. If war is a necessary evil, that makes it all the more important to express peace as a necessary good. Whatever love,kindness, laughter, or generosity we create in our immediate vicinity radiates outward like a "perfect Ponzi scheme" where everyone wins and nobody loses.